”I had never experienced something like it before, an unfamiliar older man held me down with physical force.  At that time I was so angry and totally humiliated.”

“Why are you doing this? Who do you think you are?”

“I have a recurring nightmare: I’m in a closed room with a man, it is very dark and I cannot see what he looks like.  Sometimes I have a body and sometimes I don’t.  There is a voice that screams loudly.”

 

Lu, who experienced an attempted rape by a senior reporter during her internship at a prominent media company.  She was 20 years old.

“Most of my time with him was spent in hotel rooms. But he feared that the sound insulation of the rooms was not good enough, or that the police would suddenly come in. So, he kept the TV on and put the volume very high. I was very sick of this. I was willing obey him at that time only because I hoped that someone could love me and pay attention to me. But he had no care for my feelings. In most cases, I felt as if I was selling my body. I didn’t need to communicate with him. In the middle of sex, I started to stare at the TV, unaware of what I was doing. After sex, he always took a shower and put on his clothes very quickly. He also ordered me to put on my clothes. Once someone came, we seemed to have done nothing.

Later, I had a boyfriend. Inspired by my relationship with my boyfriend, I summoned up my courage and rejected him for the first time, because I found that there are more ways to be loved than this.”

 

F, was raped by school teacher many times from 13 to 15

I was sexually assaulted at seven years' old. The flashbacks to it occured to me through the rest of my childhood. I remembered the ugly object and that he said something I couldn't understand. It didn't left too much of a shadow, except that at the age when I went to primary school, I was afraid of and was against young men in their twenties and thirties. This was what I wrote down for the first time in over ten years: I went to swim with my dad, but he didn't know that a man grabbed me to the corner of the stairs on my way to the toilet. I didn't know why people passing by glared at us in a weird way. I felt strange , dirty and disgusting. I washed myself for a long time before returning to dad. He always laughed so happily to me when I was young, I didn't know how to tell him.

 

C, who was sexually assaulted by a stranger when she was seven; and by an acquaintant when she was 19.

an extract paragraph from her essay: When you Look into an Abyss

“At that moment, he stood up and hugged me from behind, laying his hands on my chest and rubbing my breasts. I felt his lips licking my neck behind. That was the first time I experienced such things. I was only 13 years old. My head was empty. I had no idea what was going on. That empty state lasted for a few seconds, or maybe more than ten seconds. When I came to my senses, I pushed him away out of instinct. However, I was too young at that time, whereas he was exactly 41 years old as he was born in 1947. In the face of such a man in the prime of his life, it was impossible for me, a 13-year-old girl, to push him away with my strength. I was pulled back by him to his desk. He sat in the chair, sandwiching me with his legs while touching my breasts. My body was completely stiff. I was thoroughly stunned. All I could feel was my breasts, as he kept pinching my nipples from time to time. My only feeling was pain. Time passed very slowly. For me, it was so slow that in one second you could…”

 

V, was sexually abused by the Director of the Teaching Affairs Office at the age of 13

“During the process, he was grabbing me with one hand and touching my body over my clothes with his other hand. He later realized that he couldn’t drag me up. Unless he used force, I wouldn’t get up. So he held down my head with both his hands and kissed my lips. Before that, he said, ‘I’ve noticed you long time ago.’

In that room, there was a huge mirror in front of me. I could see my own expression. 

 

- Xianzi, sexually harassed by a famous TV host when she was interning at the TV station at 21
selected from a news interview

“She gazed at the candle light, whose flickering flame cast her giant shadow on the wall. Her mind suddenly brought up a childhood memory of a Catholic church that she had come across.  It was the first time she had seen colorful stained glass windows. 

 

“She thought back to her 8-year-old self in a hotel room with a flooded bathroom, and imagined that her body was as light as a piece of bread, or a branch of a peach tree floating on a river, or, as she preferred, a glorious speck of dust that danced in a ray of light. 

 

“Instead, she was just a fish lying on a white bed sheet, slowly dying while she struggled to breath.  She exhaled the sea breeze from her childhood, then inhaled the stench from a nameless cemetery. Exhale. Inhale. Another fish came close for a breath of fresh air but was covered over. It was as if the church’s stained glass was blocked and all the glorious specks of dusts disappeared into darkness. Then she fell heavily on this small dirty bed.”

 

Hua, who was sexually assaulted by a group leader during a non-profit charity hike when she was 20 years old.   This text is an excerpt from Hua's diary entry that she wrote soon after she publicly reported her sexual assault.

“One day, he picked me up to play with his two daughters at his home. Later that night, with his daughters sleeping in another room, I slept in the bed with him and his wife. He asked me to take my clothes off before going to bed. It was warmer this way, he said. 

At first I lay between the two of them facing him. When I was about to fall asleep, I felt him kissing my mouth and tickling my tiny nipples. I was four or five years old, and didn’t know what he was doing.  I vaguely felt that it was wrong, so I turned my back against him. I was so innocent.  In the middle of the night, I was woken up by a weird feeling, seized with terror. I could feel a hand exploring my body and a finger scratching my vagina. It seemed he was trying to stick his finger inside me.  It felt overwhelmingly awful, and I didn’t know how to react so I panicked. I cried out loud, very loud…”

 

A, 24 years old, was sexually assaulted by her parents’ friend when she was a child.

Source: A research on Chinese School Students and Graduates who Experienced Sexual Assault

”I had never experienced something like it before, an unfamiliar older man held me down with physical force.  At that time I was so angry and totally humiliated.”

“Why are you doing this? Who do you think you are?”

“I have a recurring nightmare: I’m in a closed room with a man, it is very dark and I cannot see what he looks like.  Sometimes I have a body and sometimes I don’t.  There is a voice that screams loudly.”

 

Lu, who experienced an attempted rape by a senior reporter during her internship at a prominent media company.  She was 20 years old.

“Most of my time with him was spent in hotel rooms. But he feared that the sound insulation of the rooms was not good enough, or that the police would suddenly come in. So, he kept the TV on and put the volume very high. I was very sick of this. I was willing obey him at that time only because I hoped that someone could love me and pay attention to me. But he had no care for my feelings. In most cases, I felt as if I was selling my body. I didn’t need to communicate with him. In the middle of sex, I started to stare at the TV, unaware of what I was doing. After sex, he always took a shower and put on his clothes very quickly. He also ordered me to put on my clothes. Once someone came, we seemed to have done nothing.

Later, I had a boyfriend. Inspired by my relationship with my boyfriend, I summoned up my courage and rejected him for the first time, because I found that there are more ways to be loved than this.”

 

F, was raped by school teacher many times from 13 to 15

I was sexually assaulted at seven years' old. The flashbacks to it occured to me through the rest of my childhood. I remembered the ugly object and that he said something I couldn't understand. It didn't left too much of a shadow, except that at the age when I went to primary school, I was afraid of and was against young men in their twenties and thirties. This was what I wrote down for the first time in over ten years: I went to swim with my dad, but he didn't know that a man grabbed me to the corner of the stairs on my way to the toilet. I didn't know why people passing by glared at us in a weird way. I felt strange , dirty and disgusting. I washed myself for a long time before returning to dad. He always laughed so happily to me when I was young, I didn't know how to tell him.

 

C, who was sexually assaulted by a stranger when she was seven; and by an acquaintant when she was 19.

an extract paragraph from her essay: When you Look into an Abyss

“At that moment, he stood up and hugged me from behind, laying his hands on my chest and rubbing my breasts. I felt his lips licking my neck behind. That was the first time I experienced such things. I was only 13 years old. My head was empty. I had no idea what was going on. That empty state lasted for a few seconds, or maybe more than ten seconds. When I came to my senses, I pushed him away out of instinct. However, I was too young at that time, whereas he was exactly 41 years old as he was born in 1947. In the face of such a man in the prime of his life, it was impossible for me, a 13-year-old girl, to push him away with my strength. I was pulled back by him to his desk. He sat in the chair, sandwiching me with his legs while touching my breasts. My body was completely stiff. I was thoroughly stunned. All I could feel was my breasts, as he kept pinching my nipples from time to time. My only feeling was pain. Time passed very slowly. For me, it was so slow that in one second you could…”

 

V, was sexually abused by the Director of the Teaching Affairs Office at the age of 13

“During the process, he was grabbing me with one hand and touching my body over my clothes with his other hand. He later realized that he couldn’t drag me up. Unless he used force, I wouldn’t get up. So he held down my head with both his hands and kissed my lips. Before that, he said, ‘I’ve noticed you long time ago.’

In that room, there was a huge mirror in front of me. I could see my own expression. 

 

- Xianzi, sexually harassed by a famous TV host when she was interning at the TV station at 21
selected from a news interview

“She gazed at the candle light, whose flickering flame cast her giant shadow on the wall. Her mind suddenly brought up a childhood memory of a Catholic church that she had come across.  It was the first time she had seen colorful stained glass windows. 

 

“She thought back to her 8-year-old self in a hotel room with a flooded bathroom, and imagined that her body was as light as a piece of bread, or a branch of a peach tree floating on a river, or, as she preferred, a glorious speck of dust that danced in a ray of light. 

 

“Instead, she was just a fish lying on a white bed sheet, slowly dying while she struggled to breath.  She exhaled the sea breeze from her childhood, then inhaled the stench from a nameless cemetery. Exhale. Inhale. Another fish came close for a breath of fresh air but was covered over. It was as if the church’s stained glass was blocked and all the glorious specks of dusts disappeared into darkness. Then she fell heavily on this small dirty bed.”

 

Hua, who was sexually assaulted by a group leader during a non-profit charity hike when she was 20 years old.   This text is an excerpt from Hua's diary entry that she wrote soon after she publicly reported her sexual assault.

“One day, he picked me up to play with his two daughters at his home. Later that night, with his daughters sleeping in another room, I slept in the bed with him and his wife. He asked me to take my clothes off before going to bed. It was warmer this way, he said. 

At first I lay between the two of them facing him. When I was about to fall asleep, I felt him kissing my mouth and tickling my tiny nipples. I was four or five years old, and didn’t know what he was doing.  I vaguely felt that it was wrong, so I turned my back against him. I was so innocent.  In the middle of the night, I was woken up by a weird feeling, seized with terror. I could feel a hand exploring my body and a finger scratching my vagina. It seemed he was trying to stick his finger inside me.  It felt overwhelmingly awful, and I didn’t know how to react so I panicked. I cried out loud, very loud…”

 

A, 24 years old, was sexually assaulted by her parents’ friend when she was a child.

Source: A research on Chinese School Students and Graduates who Experienced Sexual Assault

”I had never experienced something like it before, an unfamiliar older man held me down with physical force.  At that time I was so angry and totally humiliated.”

“Why are you doing this? Who do you think you are?”

“I have a recurring nightmare: I’m in a closed room with a man, it is very dark and I cannot see what he looks like.  Sometimes I have a body and sometimes I don’t.  There is a voice that screams loudly.”

 

Lu, who experienced an attempted rape by a senior reporter during her internship at a prominent media company.  She was 20 years old.

“Most of my time with him was spent in hotel rooms. But he feared that the sound insulation of the rooms was not good enough, or that the police would suddenly come in. So, he kept the TV on and put the volume very high. I was very sick of this. I was willing obey him at that time only because I hoped that someone could love me and pay attention to me. But he had no care for my feelings. In most cases, I felt as if I was selling my body. I didn’t need to communicate with him. In the middle of sex, I started to stare at the TV, unaware of what I was doing. After sex, he always took a shower and put on his clothes very quickly. He also ordered me to put on my clothes. Once someone came, we seemed to have done nothing.

Later, I had a boyfriend. Inspired by my relationship with my boyfriend, I summoned up my courage and rejected him for the first time, because I found that there are more ways to be loved than this.”

 

F, was raped by school teacher many times from 13 to 15

I was sexually assaulted at seven years' old. The flashbacks to it occured to me through the rest of my childhood. I remembered the ugly object and that he said something I couldn't understand. It didn't left too much of a shadow, except that at the age when I went to primary school, I was afraid of and was against young men in their twenties and thirties. This was what I wrote down for the first time in over ten years: I went to swim with my dad, but he didn't know that a man grabbed me to the corner of the stairs on my way to the toilet. I didn't know why people passing by glared at us in a weird way. I felt strange , dirty and disgusting. I washed myself for a long time before returning to dad. He always laughed so happily to me when I was young, I didn't know how to tell him.

 

C, who was sexually assaulted by a stranger when she was seven; and by an acquaintant when she was 19.

an extract paragraph from her essay: When you Look into an Abyss

“At that moment, he stood up and hugged me from behind, laying his hands on my chest and rubbing my breasts. I felt his lips licking my neck behind. That was the first time I experienced such things. I was only 13 years old. My head was empty. I had no idea what was going on. That empty state lasted for a few seconds, or maybe more than ten seconds. When I came to my senses, I pushed him away out of instinct. However, I was too young at that time, whereas he was exactly 41 years old as he was born in 1947. In the face of such a man in the prime of his life, it was impossible for me, a 13-year-old girl, to push him away with my strength. I was pulled back by him to his desk. He sat in the chair, sandwiching me with his legs while touching my breasts. My body was completely stiff. I was thoroughly stunned. All I could feel was my breasts, as he kept pinching my nipples from time to time. My only feeling was pain. Time passed very slowly. For me, it was so slow that in one second you could…”

 

V, was sexually abused by the Director of the Teaching Affairs Office at the age of 13

“During the process, he was grabbing me with one hand and touching my body over my clothes with his other hand. He later realized that he couldn’t drag me up. Unless he used force, I wouldn’t get up. So he held down my head with both his hands and kissed my lips. Before that, he said, ‘I’ve noticed you long time ago.’

In that room, there was a huge mirror in front of me. I could see my own expression. 

 

- Xianzi, sexually harassed by a famous TV host when she was interning at the TV station at 21
selected from a news interview

“She gazed at the candle light, whose flickering flame cast her giant shadow on the wall. Her mind suddenly brought up a childhood memory of a Catholic church that she had come across.  It was the first time she had seen colorful stained glass windows. 

 

“She thought back to her 8-year-old self in a hotel room with a flooded bathroom, and imagined that her body was as light as a piece of bread, or a branch of a peach tree floating on a river, or, as she preferred, a glorious speck of dust that danced in a ray of light. 

 

“Instead, she was just a fish lying on a white bed sheet, slowly dying while she struggled to breath.  She exhaled the sea breeze from her childhood, then inhaled the stench from a nameless cemetery. Exhale. Inhale. Another fish came close for a breath of fresh air but was covered over. It was as if the church’s stained glass was blocked and all the glorious specks of dusts disappeared into darkness. Then she fell heavily on this small dirty bed.”

 

Hua, who was sexually assaulted by a group leader during a non-profit charity hike when she was 20 years old.   This text is an excerpt from Hua's diary entry that she wrote soon after she publicly reported her sexual assault.

“One day, he picked me up to play with his two daughters at his home. Later that night, with his daughters sleeping in another room, I slept in the bed with him and his wife. He asked me to take my clothes off before going to bed. It was warmer this way, he said. 

At first I lay between the two of them facing him. When I was about to fall asleep, I felt him kissing my mouth and tickling my tiny nipples. I was four or five years old, and didn’t know what he was doing.  I vaguely felt that it was wrong, so I turned my back against him. I was so innocent.  In the middle of the night, I was woken up by a weird feeling, seized with terror. I could feel a hand exploring my body and a finger scratching my vagina. It seemed he was trying to stick his finger inside me.  It felt overwhelmingly awful, and I didn’t know how to react so I panicked. I cried out loud, very loud…”

 

A, 24 years old, was sexually assaulted by her parents’ friend when she was a child.

Source: A research on Chinese School Students and Graduates who Experienced Sexual Assault